Thursday, September 18, 2014

My Subconscious: Online Quiz


Your subconscious is obsessed with knowledge! 

The pictures you have selected suggest that you have one the most curious minds we have ever seen! Your subconscious is always looking for something new to learn, new sights to see, practically anything that would give a nice exercise session to that big brain of yours, and help you advance in life. 
You are a very passionate and patient person, and that combination helps you to truly immerse yourself in a subject without feeling the need for 'Quick Fixes' or feeling bored. Keep it up, you have a lot to learn! 

Do you agree with your result? Can you feel the thirst for knowledge? Tell us in the comments!

Click the eyeball below to take this quiz yourself!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Carol Tuttle's Chakra Test

My brother recently told me that I need to heal my Chakras... and then I came across this quiz I saw online.. cuz you know, " there's an app for everything"... So I took it, and here are my results. 
I definitely have a lot of healing to do lol yikes...

Check it out on 

Hi Justina,
Thank you for taking the Chakra Test. I am excited to share with you your results:
Your Root Chakra is Closed
If your Foot Chakra is STRONG you feel grounded and connected to a life purpose.
Your path and direction to do what you love feels open and clear. Opportunities and
people show up along the way to encourage and support you. Your desires turn in
to a reality and you are confident in manifesting a loving, abundant, supportive life for
yourself. You are confident that you are making a difference in the world as you move
forward in doing what you love.
If your Foot Chakra is WEAK or CLOSED you feel ungrounded and confused about your
life path and the direction you want to move forward on. You feel blocked and question
your choices and lack confidence in your decisions. Even after applying your best efforts,
You struggle with manifesting and often feel like everybody else gets what they want and
you never get what you want. You attract people who doubt your abilities and question you,
which just adds to your frustration and keeps you from moving forward in life.
Your Root Chakra is Weak
If your Root Chakra is STRONG you are in the state where you love your career and get
rewarded for being so good at it. Everybody envies you for your uncanny ability to make,
save and invest money. You always have more than enough money to go on holiday and
buy what you want, without feeling guilty afterwards. You always feel wanted and loved by
your friends and family, and you feel good about yourself when you look in the mirror, both
physically and emotionally.
If your Root Chakra is WEAK or CLOSED you tend to get stuck in an unfulfilling and unrewarding
career, and you never seem to have enough money, which leaves you worried and in debt.
Spending money is a harrowing experience for you, as you doubt your ability to budget effectively.
You suffer from weight or body issues, which leave you feeling unworthy and uncomfortable
in your own skin.
Your Sacral Chakra is Strong
If your Sacral Chakra is STRONG, you see sex in a positive light, as a glorious, pleasurable and
healthy activity. You enjoy passionate, frequent and long-lasting sex with your partner. Orgasms are
mind-blowing, and you and your partner often orgasm at the same moment. You make time to have
sex at least a few times a week, even if you've been married or attached to the same person for years.
You are always able to attract the right partners; compatible people who nourish you, fill you with joy
and make you a better person.
If your Sacral Chakra is WEAK or CLOSED, images of guilt and pain conjures in your mind when you think
about sex. You rarely have the time or inclination to have sex, and when you do, it's lackluster. You and your
partner rarely orgasm at the same time, and premature or delayed ejaculation may be a frequent problem.
You struggle to see yourself as 'sexy', and sometimes wonder how anyone could desire you. Your partners are
often wrong and incompatible for you, and you find yourself wondering if you'll ever find "the one".
Your Personal Power Chakra is Closed
If your Personal Power Chakra is  STRONG, you are admired for your confidence and healthy self-esteem, both in
your career and personal life. You're never afraid to speak your mind, and you empower those around you to do the
same. Your family, colleagues and community see you as a charismatic individual, determined to use your charisma
and power for making the world a better place.
If your Personal Power Chakra is WEAK or CLOSED you tend to struggle with self-esteem issues, and feelings of
unworthiness. You tend to question yourself when faced with important decisions like whether to move to another city,
change your career, get married to your partner or to have children. You feel like a victim in the world, and often feel
powerless to circumstances and other people's desires. You may also suffer from frequent stomach pains and stomach
Your Heart Chakra is Weak
If your Heart Chakra is STRONG, you enjoy comfortable, loving and empathic relationships at home, at work and in
your community. You get along with your family. Your friends see you as a reliable person. At work, you're known as
the one people can talk to. You feel a heartfelt sense of gratitude for how wonderful your life is, and feel compassion
for all around you.
If your Heart Chakra is WEAK or CLOSED, you tend to sabotage your relationships with distrust, anger, and a sense that
you'll lose your independence if you rely too much on others. You may struggle with commitment, experience frequent fights
or misunderstandings with your loved ones, and always keep yourself "on guard" in case you get hurt by someone.
Your Throat Chakra is Weak
If your Throat Chakra is STRONG, you are good at voicing out your thoughts, ideas and emotions to those around you. You're
admired for your willpower and strong communication skills, and your conviction to speak the truth, even if it may be uncomfortable
to some. Your career and personal life are enriched as a result.
If your Throat Chakra is WEAK or CLOSED, you constantly feel like nobody cares about your opinions, and that you have nothing of
value to say. You're likely to be known as the 'quiet one' in your professional and social circles, and you frequently settle with following
other people's opinions. You often suffer from a blocked and sore throat.
Your Intuitive Chakra is Closed
If your Intuitive Chakra is STRONG, you are able to make accurate intuitive decisions and evaluations about your career, your family
and the intentions of other people. You often know things without knowing exactly how you know them, and you have a clear sense of
direction and clarity in everything that you do. You have a vivid picture of where your life is headed, and the people around you are likely
to rely on you for guidance and advice.
If your Intuitive Chakra is WEAK or CLOSED, you have the tendency to feel helpless or lost when faced with decisions and judgment calls.
You are indecisive, uncommitted and unconfident of the decisions you end up making, because you have a history of making the wrong
ones. You feel spiritually lost, and your true purpose is unclear to you. You often get headaches and feel tension in your brow area.
Your Crown Chakra is Closed
If your Crown Chakra is STRONG, you perpetually feel connected to a higher power, be it God, Universal Consciousness or simply
your higher self. As you go through your daily life, you are always reminded that you are being watched over, and you feel immense
gratitude for the universal love and appreciation you feel towards yourself and others. Others describe you as "glowing".
If your Crown Chakra is WEAK or CLOSED you tend to feel little or no connection to a higher power, and always feel alone. You feel
unworthy of spiritual help, and perhaps even angry that your higher power has abandoned you. You often suffer from migraines
and tension headaches.

If the results show that at least few of your Chakras are weak or closed… Don’t worry, because that’s perfectly normal!
In fact it’s practically impossible to find a normal person with all their Chakras 100 percent strong and open!
But, and this is the important point here…
Once you know how, you’ll be able to instantly strengthen your Chakras at any given moment, and uplift any area of your life.
You see I’ve made it my life purpose to help people achieve total energetic balance with Chakra Healing, which in turn gives you
holistic wellbeing in all areas of your life.
Since 1989 I’ve has been studying and perfecting the science of energy healing, both for use in my own life and for the tens
of thousands of people across the globe whom I train every year. And now my greatest desire is to help you…

Stay tuned as I will be sharing with you more resources soon.
Good luck on your fascinating journey of chakra healing,
Carol Tuttle

Black Cat

So today, I was on my way home from work, and as I was nearing the end of a street which is right around the corner from my house, I saw a little black cat hop over a puddle and scurry off the road. 

For any normal person, they would see this as superstition, or a sign of bad luck.  For me, I always loved to see a black cat crossing my path.  I get excited at the thought of it.  I think these creatures are just misunderstood.  Maybe it's because, I , myself feel misunderstood.  Every witchy needs their familiar.  A familiar is an animal friend to aid their witch in their magical workings. Witches are also often looked at as these evil beings, when that is so not the case... not for us Earthy types anyway. So I can see why we identify with black cats so much... both so misunderstood... anyway.... 

I stopped right away and looked at it through my passenger window. It was hiding behind a telephone pole, but it's head was peaking out, ever so mischievously, its large yellow eyes staring back at me.  I leaned over from the driver's side and opened the passenger door, calling to it.  It just stood there frozen looking at me.  Finally I went to shut my door, so it ran away, into the open yard of the corner house.  I could still see the cat from where I was. It was sitting in the person's backyard... just sitting there.. and I could also see a deer in the backyard grazing on some grass.  The cat was just sitting and watching the deer graze. I drove off and pulled into my driveway around the block.  I got home, went inside and threw on my long fall sweater robe. I felt fall in the air all around me. I knew I wanted to go back out and look for the cat again.

I left the house, and walked down my street and around the corner, back to the house that the cat was in the backyard of.  Again, this is a corner house with no fence, so I can see and even walk right into the yard if I really wanted to.  However, there were NO TRESPASSING signs all around the property, and it was in broad daylight, so I'd rather not make myself too suspicious looking over a cat LOL.  I happened upon this property and the cat was still there.  I stopped at the curb, and called to it... It looked at me like I was crazy after I meowed at it a few times. I felt like I was being watched so I carried on.  I walked around the block a couple times, and every time I passed, the cat was still there. 

As I was walking around my neighborhood, I got really sad by myself, reminiscing about how much  my neighborhood has changed.  Everyone from my neighborhood has grown up, and left. I am really the only one left around here.  I was talking out loud to myself for my spirit guides to hear, and questioned WHY? Why am I the only one left here? All of the sudden, on this otherwise dreary day, right over my head, the clouds parted ever so slightly, only enough for the sun to peek through. I said, "Thank you for the gesture", smiled and went on my way.  Then also as I was on my way back from my walk, I passed by a feather on the ground.  Feathers are also signs from our spirit guides.  They can either be a hello from the angels, or a sign to let you know that they are watching over you and protecting you.  I wanted to pick it up, but it had rained earlier, and it was lying in mud, so I didn't want to bring home a muddy feather, not to mention as I was walking and saw it, a cop car came barreling down my street, so I didn't want to do anything too weird that warranted questioning LOL! I dunno, I am so paranoid like that. I was passing the corner house again, and the cat was STILL sitting there, ever so still.  I decided not to bother it again... for now anyway. 

I came home and went about my day.  Avi picked me up for dinner and he drove passed the corner house to get out of my development.  The cat was no longer there, and I wondered if I would ever see it again.  We ate dinner and he drove me home. As we were approaching the corner house on the way to my house, I looked all around, afraid he would hit this cat crossing his path.  It was not there... however , when we got onto my street, Avi screamed "BLACK CAT!" and I screamed OMG WHERE!??! He goes, "Under that car!" and sure enough I saw Mr. Midnight running passed our car and up the sidewalk. Maybe there is a reason I am seeing this cat.  I have never seen this cat around my block before... It is the strangest thing ever... I feel like my guides are trying to tell me something... just can't piece it all together just yet...

Well there is my weird story for today. A LOT of signs from my guides today, and all in the span of just a few hours. Signs are everywhere... you just have to be aware to receive them... And interpreting them is a whole other thing as well... I have to get better at that...

If I see this cat again, you bet I'm gonna let you know...

Blessed Be <3

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Sturgeon & Harvest Full Moon Rituals with Sage Goddess

So for the past couple months I have been taking part in these Full Moon rituals courtesy of Sage Goddess. My good friend Dena Miller invited me to my first one this past August (the 10th), to celebrate the Sturgeon Moon in Aquarius.  This full moon is ideal when trying to manifest abundance in your life, and going through a transformational stage, letting go of any of those fears that you may have in your life, in order to become a more abundant version of your former self.

Athena (Sage Goddess) has you light your candles, white sage, cleansing your space of any negativity.  She usually sells a ritual kit on her etsy boutique (they are pretty pricey at about $70 a pop), I mean it does come with some very beautiful goodies, including a candle with beautiful original artwork, a crystal set geared toward the purpose of the ritual, and also an anointing perfume oil, but if you are on a budget as am I, then don't be discouraged from listening in and just being present in the moment with her guided meditation.  You really don't NEED tools, you just need your visualization and the magic of the beautiful full moon.

She calls the quarters, our directional elements (North, Earth; East, Air; South, Fire; West, Water) for guidance and protection during the meditation.  At this point she has you do some deep breathing and then has you ask your elders and spirit guides to join you on your meditative journey.  They should provide you with the answers that you seek, to help you get on the right path in your journey of finding yourself. In this specific meditation, she had you arrive in a magical forest and happen upon a river.  She has you acknowledge the texture, the temperature, the sounds, the visuals of all of your surroundings.  She has you meet your elders & spirit guides upon the shore as they pick you up in a boat. She even mentions to acknowledge any animals you may have lost.  I thought of my dog Scout and my grandparents, and Nana all meeting me here... During this boat ride you can ask them questions that you wish to get answers to.  She has them deliver a word to you as well. After you go on this journey with your guides, they bring you back to shore, and you come back to the real world and become grounded again.

It really was a beautiful meditation, and I feel like I did connect in a sense.  I feel like when you cry, that emotional release alone is connection to spirit. I do have trouble with visualization, which I definitely am trying to work on.  But I did emotionally connect even though I did not feel like I received any valid messages from spirit.  I had no tangible messages to take away with me, from this meditation, but I did emotionally release, so that to me was enough... especially since I am a bit rusty and have closed myself off to any form of spiritual practice for the past 15 years or so.

To top all that off, I charged my crystals under the moon for the first time ever.  I had found a handful of random stones in a potted plant downstairs in my house.  I am not sure how long those stones have been in that plant, I am pretty sure my mom put them there ages ago... but I thought they would serve a better purpose if I took them out, cleaned them off, and actually put them to use.  So that's what I did.
Then I admired the beautiful moon for about an hour with my binoculars.  I really would love a telescope... the night sky is so amazing... It's amazing, and it's very scary... to think we're the only ones living in the whole universe, among the millions of galaxies out there, is a very very ignorant thing to assume.

Anyway not to get too off topic here, but I'd like to talk a little bit more about the Harvest Full Moon which had just passed last night (September 9). I was a bit more prepared for this one.  I had my new Joie de Vie Tarot Deck, which I had cleansed last week, which I might do a separate post about. Anyway, I laid out my Strength card in the center of all of my stones.  I used my rainbow moonstones for clarity and enhancement of intuition during the full moon, my tiger's eye for protection, my small amethyst point which encourages inner strength, and my citrine for healing and protection.  I put them in a little circle around the card as she talked a bit in the beginning about the meditation she was about the take us through.

As prepared as I was for this, I still feel like I was way distracted to stay completely focused during this.  I didn't connect on an emotional level like I did with the first meditation she took me through during the Sturgeon moon.  I felt very fidgety, often getting up to go find another stone, or another candle, or this or that. As prepared as I was with all of my tools, I wasn't prepared mentally or spiritually to get me into that zone of complete vulnerability. I felt like I had my guard up during a lot of this.  I did some of the solar plexus exercises with the breathing that she had us do, but I feel like I wasn't fully able to tune out the amount of stuff I have on my plate this month.

In this meditation she had us meet our elders in a beautiful garden as we came to a well.  We were to look over the edge of this well to see it full of water... We were then asked to visualize what we saw inside.. for some reason I heard the word "Rainbow" come to me. I am not sure what that means, but I am going to look into it.  We were then told to take some of the water from the well, to FEEL it in your hands, and to picture all of the things that your elders and guides have infused this water with, whatever it is that you need healing with...we were then told to visualize tasting this water, drinking in all of its healing powers. Then we held our crystals in one hand and covered with the other hand as if we were holding them in this magically infused water, charging them to vibrate at their highest. I did this meditation and I felt like I was in a daze for some of it.  I'm not sure if I connected completely, I did not FEEL any sort of shifts or surges of energy... I really do think I was not in the right state of mine to fully let my imagination run with it... After the meditation, she talked a bit about the upcoming October Full Moon Ritual where she will help us "Cross the Veil" and communicate with our ancestors which would be super spooky and magical with Halloween right around the corner.  I hope I can attend that one, we shall see.... After this ritual, I once again laid out my stones to bathe in the not so moonlit sky, for New Jersey had decided to cast a cloud filled sky last night.  I was so disappointed I wouldn't get to enjoy the beauty of this Full Moon, but I put my crystals out just the same, because the clouds have no effect on the pull of the moon. The moon vibrates and pulls the earth just the same, so I put my crystals and my dreamcatchers out to charge anyway.

So back to my not being able to focus this meditation, I told my brother about this, since he is a highly spiritual person (he's been getting guidance from a spiritual healer lately.)  I told him about my difficulty with the meditation and focus, and he told me I need Chakra healing, and that he did some Chakra healing on himself before he did his own Full Moon Ritual.  I said Oh, well how do you do that... He said, "There's a phone app for that"...

Introduction Post: The Ramblings of a Spiritual Ponderer

*This post is not meant to offend any one of any religious background. These musings are based solely on my personal experiences and spiritual journey through this weird thing called life.  All negative and disrespectful comments will be deleted.

So I've been toying around with the idea of making a spiritual blog for quite some time now.  I dunno, maybe it's the fact that I am 30 and still feel completely lost in life.  I have neglected any sort of spiritualism all throughout my adolescence.  I grew up Catholic, went through about half of the Holy Sacraments as a young kid, not even fully knowing why I was taking part in these rituals.... I just went through the motions, cuz that's the path your parents wanted for you.  The thing is, religion can't really be TAUGHT.  I mean, yea it can... you can read different books that were written by man, including The Bible, The Kabbala, books on Paganism, Wicca, Shamanism, VoooDoo, HooDoo, You-do??... or any other book for that matter... but ironically enough, It's kind of like putting a science to this thing you're supposed to not see, but believe in.  Now before you assume that I am agnostic, that is very FAR from the case.  I guess what I am trying to say, is that I have always looked at church as some kind of obligation. An obligation that you feel like you HAD to do, or you would be looked down upon, from family, peers, the church, etc.  These people look down upon you and fear for your soul, for where you would end up after you died, because you didn't go to church on Sunday.  I can't help but laugh at that notion. I would be punished because I didn't show up to "God's House", a man-made building, every Sunday at the "Ungodly" hour (pun intended) of the ass crack of dawn? Yea. right....  

I do remember one instance when I was about to make my confirmation in the 8th grade.  First things first, they make you do an "interview" with the priest to make sure you know enough about the 7 sacraments, The Bible, the Church, The Religion, your Beatitudes, Commandments, who the Pope is, who the Archdiocese is, etc. etc. etc. You're questioned, Interrogation Style... Like a cross-examination... and if you failed, you weren't supposed to make your Confirmation.  So I went to this interview a couple weeks or so before my confirmation ceremony. It was a very intimidating process, and if you ask a 13 year old those heavy questions... they're either gonna spit out answers that they studied, without any inclination as to how religion should not work, but FEEL like... OR they're gonna do what I did, and look at the priest like, "Um... I left talent show practice for this?" (which was exactly MY situation). So I left there feeling less than enthused about moving on with my peers to the next stage of "spirituality".  I didn't get my grade right away either...

So a week goes by or so, and I was in my regularly scheduled CCD class on Wednesday afternoon, and our teacher decided to take us over to the church to practice and go through the motions of the ceremony.  I don't remember exactly how it came up, the kids were bugging him to give them their grades or something.  He said something along the lines of, "I can't tell you right now, but I can tell you that only one person in this class has failed". Of course now the kids wanna know, so they bugged and bugged him a bit more and then finally he goes, "Ok Ok"... he looked in my direction and said, "Justina You Failed"... In front. of. the. whole. class..... Who does that? Who just picks out one person from the bunch and discloses their personal information.  That information should have been confidential, especially in a group of kids who have NO respect for feelings, and poke fun at other people's failures.  That was the very moment that I knew the Catholic religion was not for me.  I was at the age where I was able to start forming my own opinions, and my opinion at this point was that I shouldn't have to feel bullied in my beliefs... Beliefs and religion are a VERY PERSONAL THING... Which is why I was debating to even start up a blog in the first place.  I'm a pretty private person when it comes to pondering things like this, and I only talk about these things to people who I know can handle what I have to say, and RESPECT my beliefs, even if they don't agree with them.  

Now I am not knocking what other people believe at all, and if THEY want to believe that's what will happen after they leave this earth, then by all means... Believe what makes you FEEL right, and at peace.  I just don't agree with the preachy nature of such structured religions.  I do respect them, and I will never knock someone else's beliefs, or try to convert ANYONE to MY personal beliefs... I just wish some (I realize not all behave like this) members of other religions would have the same respect.  But I guess that's why this is world is as crazy as it is.  No one will ever believe the same thing, and no one will ever agree to disagree... Which is why there is so much violence and death over what everyone else believes in, which is so unbelievably sad and disgusting to me.  

If these people who are so offended at the THOUGHT that there are people different from them in the world, could just get past their personal prejudices, the world would be such a better place.  Now I am not pointing the finger at Catholics for the suffering in the world, that is not what I am doing AT ALL... I am merely using them as an example in my own personal experience... but I am recognizing that there are prejudiced people from EVERY religion/race etc. Being bullied in a religion that was supposed to be my safe haven, it was so contradictory to me for the church to even behave this way.  Now I did end up making my confirmation after my mom told off my teacher for embarrassing me like that, in front of my peers... but that was the end of my time with the Catholic Church. After that my mom had us try out a smaller chapel of the Protestant religion.  I'm still not really even sure what that means, but it definitely was a lot more engaging to me to be surrounded with such loving people. They welcomed us with open arms, we attended bible school and went on retreats, etc.  It was a lovely atmosphere.  This church really welcomed people from all walks of life, and they still do.

However, such a structured practice of the church on Sundays deal, still did not appeal to me as I grew older, so eventually we had stopped going.  For ME personally, I feel like religion starts WITHIN yourself.  Praying is not something I feel comfortable doing around other people, so a congregation type of atmosphere is not ideal for me.  It's the same reason I hate going to the gym... I feel like when I am engaging in something that should be to better myself, it's a very personal thing, and I don't like feeling like I'm being watched, or judged for doing things the "wrong way"... and there are always those hardcore zealots of any religion who have SOMETHING to say about the way things SHOULD be done... Anyone who thinks they know it all about any one religion or belief system, and anyone who thinks they know where we go when we leave this earth because of what a man made book tells them, I just personally can't buy it... Cuz here's the thing... NOBODY KNOWS! Yes there are accounts of people having near death, out of body, gone to heaven and back experiences, but at the end of the day, nobody truly knows anything... we are mortals, still in our life on earth.  No one can sit there and tell you that you're going to heaven or hell, or that you're not going anywhere, or that you dissipate like dust into the many farticles of the universe, or that you're going to come back as a butterfly, or another person in your next life. There accounts of ALL of these things... but no one REALLY knows for sure... 

Maybe different things happen to everybody? Maybe some people go to heaven, some go to hell, some come back as butterflies, some come back as other people, some disappear into the oblivion of the galaxy of some crazy 5th dimension.  Whatever you believe in, it's all very possible.  Believe in whatever makes you feel whole... whatever gets you excited when you think about it, whatever makes you excited enough to talk about it with other like-minded individuals. Save your arguments and your waste of breath hashing it out with people who don't respect what you have to say.  It's more than okay to have deep philosophical conversations with people who believe in other things, but only when they can be open minded enough to see things from another's perspective. There is a difference between healthy philosophical debate and flat out ignorance and closed minded argumentative personalities. Don't get too caught up in those fights that leave you feeling negative, bullied, or judged.  Engage in conversations that leave you feeling uplifted and curious. Study other religions or belief systems, don't close yourself off, you are only doing yourself a disservice.  

It's just important to find a path that's right for YOU. I consider myself eclectic, and for the longest time, I thought I was just not religious or didn't believe in anything at all because I couldn't just choose any one religion that I completely and whole-y believed in.  

Did I abandon the Catholic and Christian beliefs that I was raised with completely? No, not completely... I was raised with it, and no matter how much I move forward with other beliefs, it will still be a part of me.  I still go to church when there is need for it, and sometimes there is a need for it... I also grew up studying earth based religions such as Paganism & Druidism which have been around centuries before the Catholic religion had even formed. The Catholics had actually taken a lot of their practice from those older world religions and passed it off as their own, giving the earth religions a bad wrap.. accusing people of witchcraft or satanism, which is not what Paganism, Wiccan, Druidism, Shamanism, etc. are about at all.. They are solely about your love and respect for Mother Nature, and using the natural earth around you to heal yourself and others, or manifest things you may need more or less of in your life...The negative connotations of these Earthy religions still exist today, which is very unfortunate, because they have nothing to do with devil worship, which is what most uneducated people assume. I also identify very much with more eastern philosophies like the idea of reincarnation and karma.  I believe that whatever you put out into The Universe, you're only going to get back... What goes around comes around, and I've seen it happen time and time again.  I also believe that we do come back in another life, maybe not right after we expire, but maybe if we haven't fulfilled our soul's purpose in this life time, maybe it will be in a next, whenever your soul decides to re-manifest in another human being, animal, tree, etc.,    Eastern beliefs appeal to me very much so, I've dabbled in studies of Buddhism which touches more on principals of spirituality and thought & meditation as opposed to a set of rules or principles like that of a structured religion.  Also Hinduism and the aspects of being Polytheistic is intriguing to me, looking to different gods & goddesses to aid you in your workings and prayers toward the different areas of your life.  And it doesn't even stop there, there are tons and tons of religions to delve into, to really educate yourself about, and that to me is a beautiful thing. 

I just needed to figure it out for myself.  Upon all of my research and experiences up to this point, I seem to mostly identify with principles of Pantheism. I don't believe in any one supreme being...I believe that The Universe as a whole is responsible for how things carry out in our lives... ( I have had instances with receiving signs from The Universe, but I will delve into those occurrences in another post at another time)  ... But I also believe that we are also responsible for creating our own lives within that Universe.  So this year for me, has been me coming to terms with my Spirituality, and acknowledging that it does in fact exist, that it does beat in my heart, and pulse through my veins.  I don't need a set religion or list of rules to follow, or an expensive list of tools to help me carry out these crazy rituals (although it is much fun to collect beautiful crystals or tools of divination).  All I need is the earth, myself, and the power that I hold within. 

I do believe in the afterlife, in spirits, spirit guides, and all of that fun stuff... So I do believe that there is some weird higher and beautiful power out there controlling this weird thing called life.... Is it God? I don't know if you can give it a name.. maybe it is God... but I can tell you it's probably not some Man with a white beard sitting on a fluffy cloud.. is it even a man? Maybe it's Morgan Freeman in a white suit? Maybe not.. Is it a woman? Maybe not... I think it's all encompassing... it's greater than anyone will ever know.... 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Am I an Empath?

So, I felt compelled to write about my latest discovery about something called an "Empath".
What is an Empath?  Well there are tons and tons of articles, websites, blogs, youtube videos, etc. that go into depth about what the traits of an Empath are. There are some traits which are pretty out there that I don't really identify with, but for the most part, some of the major traits are totally there, and I never knew that there was a name for this before.

An Empath is someone who FEELS the emotions of someone else as if they were their own... and sometimes you can even FEEL the PHYSICAL pain that someone else around you may have.  Some Empaths can walk into a room and right away feel if the vibes are wrong, or take on someone's pain if they are in a room with them.  Most empaths seems to attract people, even complete strangers, to confide in them, often telling them their whole life story.  Empaths are healers, and we generally want to help everyone we come across, and we often have a lot of trouble SAYING NO.  This has been something that I have become more aware of doing in the past year or so, even before I became aware of this new term "Empath"....

So how do I know that I'M an Empath? Well for as long as I can remember, random people would always come to ME for advice, or help with situations... even people I don't really talk to or know all too well.  I have even had strangers come up to me in stores, etc. Naturally as an Empath, I want to help... everyone... with everything... and I often tend to forget that I end up leaving myself on the back burner.  Sometimes I feel taken advantage of, and ultimately I'm left feeling drained as if I don't have enough energy left for myself to enjoy the things I love about life.  I've had numerous amounts of "depressed" friends, and I put depressed in quotes, not to take things lightly with that word, because I am aware that depression is a VERY serious disease and should warrant a call for help at the first sign of any type of potential self harm... BUT.. there are some people where you just know they are doing it for attention, and these people are called narcissists ... everything revolves around THEM... them them them.  I mean, I didn't really use these experiences to diagnose myself as an empath by any means.. I just thought that people were drawn to tell me all their bullshit, because I just thought I was a weirdo magnet, lol. This wasn't the part that engaged me to seek out these qualities about myself... this was just a bonus to my aha! moment that made all of these pieces fit together for me.

What really made me curious as to think that there was something "special" about me was a few strange things that happened to me, which seem way too coo-coo and crazily creepy to be just a coincidence.  Now I never really grew up with any sort of notion that I had any sort of special gift outside of the artistic/musical realm.  Nor was I ever very religious.  I was always pretty drawn to all things metaphysical, but I wouldn't categorize myself as having psychic powers or clairvoyant/medium by any means.  It was usually my brother who saw the spirits, or had the prophetic dreams, etc. I always considered myself to be pretty normal, outside of your normal anxiety attacks every time I visited a doctor's office. Now not to get TOO sidetracked, I'd like to tell you about the first event that made me really wonder if there was some kind of gift that I possessed, that would enable me to tap into the psychic realm.

In the fall of 2011, and my grandmother Joan had been diagnosed with Lung Cancer. She had been a long time smoker, so this did not come as a shock to most of us in the family... That doesn't mean it was any less upsetting.  The doctors only gave her around 6 months or so. We went to visit her soon after Christmas in North Carolina and I spent time feeding her and watching TV with her, knowing I would probably never see her again after this trip. That was just heart wrenching to me.  She was just as much of a smart ass sick as she was when she was well, so that made me happy to see her spirit still alive and kicking ass. I went home after a few short days that I got to spend with her. My mom would fly back and forth from NJ to NC here and there, to be by her side and help out with what she could. During that time, I had come down with the Respiratory Infection from hell. I was sick all through January, and come February, it was time for my mom to go back to be with my grandmother again.  My mother left, and I went about my business, but I guess subconsciously I was hurting so bad because the day after, I had noticed that my feet felt like pins and needles.  I didn't think anything of it, thought maybe I had pinched a nerve, and went about my business.  Over the course of the next few days, the sensations started getting MUCH worse, and eventually I felt like there were tiny electrical shocks zapping all of my nerve endings all over my body; in my feet, my legs, my arms, my fingers, and worst of all my head.  These sensations sent me into full blown anxiety mode and I had panic attack after panic attack.  At time I felt sensations in my chest that caused me to think I was having a heart attack.  My boyfriend was driving us home from band practice the one night, and I had an attack so bad, that he had to pull over and I contemplated making him take me to the emergency room.  I begged him to stay over with me that night.  I couldn't bear to be alone, it was the scariest feeling I had every experienced in my life. I literally thought I was going to die. I remember the night before having a really really hard time during the night. It wasn't just your normal bought of insomnia... it was full on anxiety ridden, I literally felt like my heart was jumping out of my chest, and I could not let myself rest. Every time I would try to doze off, I would feel a pulsating sensation, and explosion of electrical shocks in my brain that would jolt me awake and make me think I was dying.  I didn't know what to do... I had no health insurance at the time, so any sort of diagnostic test would have cost me half my life savings. I had friends reach out to help and give me advice and suggestions on clinics I could go to to get blood work done and such. I ultimately ended up not going because I wanted to find a better option, or at least apply for some government aid for health insurance.  During this time I was on and off the phone with my mom and she would give me updates on my grandmother, and at the same time try to control my situation all the way from NC. I felt horrible for taking her attention away from my grandmother, I just didn't know who else to turn to. By this point, my father and my boyfriend were both sick of hearing me and dealing with my anxiety attacks.  The night of February 12, 2012 I talked with my mom on the phone and she was debating on whether or not she should come back home. I didn't want her to, I really wanted her to stay with my grandmother, but she insisted that grandma would want her to come home and be with me.  So my mom came home and the next morning I woke up to my mom coming into my brother's old room, which is now the guest room, where I was sleeping. Sometimes when I have trouble sleeping in my own bed, I'll switch rooms once in awhile. The change in environment sometimes helps... So she came in, and was crying and told me that my grandmother had passed. At this point I still had my shocks, pains, electric pulses.. they were making it really hard for me to even function during the regular day to day activities. I was walking around like a zombie because I was barely sleeping. Every time I'd fall asleep, I'd get jolted awake again. It was horrible pain, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I even thought at one point that I had Fibromyalgia. I looked into every possible symptom I could have had. Well the weird thing about this was... after my grandmother had passed, and she was buried... the pains stopped.. miraculously.... The weird thing was, that my mother told me that before she had passed and the doctors did chemo, they had found lesions on her brain... That freaked me out, because of the majority of the pain and lack of sleep stemmed from the brain spasms I was having, made me feel like my head was imploding. I truly feel that I was channeling my grandmother's pain somehow. And maybe that seems coincidental... I mean the thought had crossed my mind that maybe I felt her pain, but eventually I let the thought go, thinking maybe I was being a bit crazy.

I would also like to note that shortly after my grandmother had passed, it took a lot out of me financially, but I actually ended up putting myself under a very costly independent health insurance plan.  I did go to the doctor, had blood work done and a routine physical just to make sure everything was in check. I had also explained to my new doctor the issues I had been experiencing prior to my grandmother's death.  I had also explained that I had been having chest pains during the episodes as well, and also I had been experiencing these chest pains quite frequently for the past 3 or 4 years or so.  She gave me a referral to a cardiologist and I went on my way.
All of my blood work from my dr. came back normal and it was such a relief to me, considering how bad shape I was in, while my grandmother was sick.  I decided to hold off on the cardiologist for now since I hadn't really experienced the chest pains in awhile.

That wasn't until I had another occurrence.  It was a normal fall evening in October 2012.  I had been getting ready for bed, I think I may have just finished a cup of tea and I went downstairs to my cup in the sink.  As I was heading back upstairs, I reached for the light switch to turn it off and out of nowhere I felt a blow to the chest. I grasped my heart and fell to the floor in pain... I thought I was having a heart attack.  I tried to make my way upstairs, but with each step I took, I kept feeling this tightness in my chest followed by additional blows to the chest... It was the most pain I have ever felt in my chest.  I made my way up each step in a keeled over position.. practically crawling up the steps because it was too painful to even get up and walk the right way.  I finally made it to the top of the steps and collapsed in the hallway. I called out to my mom for help, screaming in agony. I was lying chest down on the hallway floor and I couldn't get up, and when my mom tried to move me, I screamed in excruciating pain.  The only way I felt comfortable, was to lie chest down and flat on the floor.  Any attempt at other movement and I'd feel like my ribcage was being torn apart at the sternum like a wishbone.  The pain had subsided enough for my mother to help get me off the floor and relocate me to my bed. I would get spurts of pain here and there, trying to lie normally, so I laid flat onto my chest again... this was the only way it felt comfortable enough for me to not feel any pain. I felt paralyzed. I was lying that way for a bit as she lectured me about going to the cardiologist with the referral that my dr. had given me during the Spring. It was weird, because I knew something wasn't actually wrong with ME, which was why I was not in a rush to go.  But I did however know, that something was wrong... very wrong... I just couldn't figure out what it was at that moment. Finally after an hour or so of this whole episode, my mother helped me get my head on the pillow, as I was lying paralyzed toward the other end of the bed.  I put on some show or movie on my laptop propped up in front of me.  It was around midnight, and I had fallen asleep with my mom rubbing my back.  Around 2 or 3:00 in the morning I was awoken to my cellphone ringing.  I looked at the phone and saw the call was coming from my boyfriend Avi.  He usually goes to bed around 10:00 or so since he has to get up so early for work in the morning, and this was so out of the ordinary for him to be calling me at this hour.  Sometimes you just know when somethings not right, and this was one of those feelings.  I answered the phone with caution and instead of a greeting, I think I just said "What's wrong?!"  He went on to tell me that his dad had a heart attack at work a couple hours prior, and that he was at the hospital. I nearly dropped the phone in shock, and my mom and I just looked at each other like WHAT!? I told Avi about the episode that I had a couple hours prior as well... I had felt that blow to the chest, about the same time that his father had his heart attack.  I was completely freaked out.  Avi told me his dad was stable but they were gonna have to keep him there overnight and run tests, etc. He stayed there at the hospital with his father and family all night.  The next day I remember my chest being extremely tender and sensitive.  I had faint pains that seemed to have dwindled from the night before, but it was nowhere NEAR the pain I had felt then. The next day was a bit of a whirlwind for my poor boyfriend, and I did what I could to be there for him.  They had actually found major blockages in his dad's heart, and they did in fact have to perform an emergency open heart surgery. His dad ended up making a speedy recovery and was back in shape in no time... shortly after his surgery the tenderness in my chest went away, but I took my mom's advice anyway, and went to the cardiologist.  They did a checkup, and also ran a test, did an ultrasound and actually showed me my valves on screen, of my perfectly normal, perfectly fine beating heart.  There was nothing wrong with me... I was however diagnosed with Costochondritis which is a very painful inflammation of the tissue around the sternum. From time to time I get this pain during times of HIGH anxiety or when I feel uneasy or stressed about something.  In my last episode's case, I was stressed about something I didn't even know was happening yet... and that's what's so weird to me.  The dr. gave me a regimen of taking an aleeve whenever I feel the pain, and sent me on my way.  

I don't remember exactly what led me to eventually piece all of these strange occurrences together, but I do remember exactly when I knew that there was a name for what I had.  This past August, I had gone to a family gathering with my parents, and my dad's cousins and sisters are quite the crazy bunch.  They have all had their dose of paranormal happenings, and to hear about their experiences first hand, it really gives you the validation that weird things that are unexplainable, are in fact very possible.  We all traded our stories that day, and I told them mine... They were in absolute awe about my ability to somehow feel others pain on multiple occasions, and told me that I'm not going crazy. I got home that night, and decided to do a little research and found the word "Empath". I read article and blog after article and blog, and watched about every video I could find on Youtube.  This discovery really gave me something to identify with.  Now whenever I feel pain, I really wonder if maybe it is not my own... if it's not my own, then who's is it? 

I now know that being an empath is like being an energy sponge, whether it's good or bad energy, I suck all of it in.  That's not always a good thing, so I have to learn when to retreat and bring myself back to , well, myself.  I have learned to cut the negative energy suckers out of my life, and also to say no when I absolutely need to say no to people who expect way too much of me. Sometimes there is not even enough of me to go around for myself. People often look to me as this grand problem solver, and while that's flattering... the older I get, the less tolerant I am getting for this tactic. 

All in all, I am very happy that I am now enlightened enough to know that there is this thing about me... some may think I'm crazy, or that it's in my head... but you know what... The doctor's told me this physical pain was in my head, for the longest time.  Only YOU know your own body and mind.  If you are feeling like this, seek spiritual healing.  Do your research. Unexplainable things happen, and they are possible. No EKG, or ultrasound would find this excruciating pain I was carrying around... for YEARS. Anxiety is a build up of spiritual tension, I do believe. 

So there is my story, take it for what it is worth... If you are an empath, and would like to share your story, please do leave a comment! I'd love to talk...

Also, please check out this Empath Community Online, it has many great resources for fellow Empaths:

Blessed Be